Let's Talk About Marriage

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By Rebecca Teti


(Join each day’s Coffee Talk discussion: Mon: Parenting; Tues: Open Forum; Wed: NFP; Thu: Marriage; Fri: Education; Sat/Sun: Changing Roles)

Struggling in your marriage? Have some relationship advice to share? Have a marriage success story to share? Have a man/woman question? This weekly thread is the place to do it.

Come on in and join the conversation!

Rebecca Teti

Comments

  • My hubs has difficulty relaxing in the evening. He works hard all day , but also likes to be tinkering with something around the house, reading a work-related book, or doing some other project which (without his meaning it) takes him away from the family in the evening. We have little ones and I know pushing a stroller around the block with me or oooing and ahhhing over toddler scribbles is not exactly mentally-stimulating or exhilarating... but I'm also worried that he seems to expect to just pop into close-ness with the kids and I after being very selective about the time he gives us his attention (ie, he's up for one family activity per weekend, but he resists scheduling one-on-one time with me, claming to prefer a sponenaity which is rare). Does anyone have ideas about encouraging hubsands to put work aside and get in with family time? Also, what do you do for family or one-on-one with husband? I think mine feels bored and I'm ready to take some responsibility and plan more interesting stuff... but I really don't know what... I just know I don't like the way things are right now!!!

    Posted on Dec 6th, 2012 at 7:26 AM by unknown

  • My husband is considering a job that would involve overnight travel 3 nights/week at least 36 weeks/year. We have lots of other issues to consider about the job and the trade-offs we'd have to make, but I'd be interested in others' experience with this kind of travel. Right now he travels 8-10 weeks/year Monday through Friday split between late summer and mid-fall. The company's present employees are trying to encourage us saying that although initially the wives don't like the idea of the travel they get so accustomed to it that when the husband is home they find he messes up the routine. I don't find that very encouraging. I'd rather my husband be part of the family routine, not an intrusion. This would probably also force him to give up being a Cub Scout den leader for our son.

    Posted on Dec 6th, 2012 at 9:48 AM by Carolyn A

  • Re: relaxing in the evening I think it may be helpful to be extremely specific about what you want. I'm certainly not blaming you for this issue, I just think this may be helpful with your husband's personality. For example, turn bath time over to him --- that is great bonding time. Set out certain books to read with the kids or make it play-doh night. This doesn't help now, but you may find it easier when the kids are older and can go on bike rides or get interested in projects together. As for time as a couple, what helps my husband and me is to sit down once a week and schedule our evenings. We aren't consistent about this, and during some phases of life it has seemed completely ridiculous to try to plan more than a few hours ahead, but it helps. Would it be helpful if your husband knew he had Tuesday and Thursday to himself to tinker, but every Friday night is movie night as a couple? I know you said he likes spontaneity, but you are right about that being close to impossible with little kids. Do you think you guys have gotten out of the habit of spending time together? This can definitely happen with little kids. If this is part of it, hopefully if you can get him to start spending time together again you guys will start to remember how much you love being together without the kids. In terms of what to do with him, start with things he likes. Go see movies he likes. Go for hikes or the Home Depot or whatever it is he likes. Work on a project together in the garage. This could help ease him back into time with you.

    Posted on Dec 6th, 2012 at 10:59 AM by Andrea

  • Carolyn A,. This type of travel does take some getting used to, and I would say that if he has a job that he is happy with you may not want to dive into it, but if it is a good opportunity, or something he wants to do, here's my experience. My husband's company was purchased by an out of state company and he was offered a position (one of only 3 all the remaining people, more than 100, were let go). He spent M-T or F, depending on the week, in a different state. At the time, my kids were 3mos, 3, 5, 8. It was challenging, and yes, he could not be a scout leader or sports coach, but we made good memories over the weekends, and the kids either talked to or skyped him every night. I had to let a lot of things go while he was gone (dinners became much more simple during the week), and rely on others for help and support. Luckily we had a very supportive Parish school and neighborhood community for me to rely on. In some ways it is easier if DH is gone all week, kids go to be earlier, more alone time, not having to cook meals every night, but in the end, we decided we needed to be together as a family. After much prayer, tears and discussion, we moved the family away from our wonderful community to join him. He had been working out of state for 1.5 years at this point. I still can't believe I moved, I still am not really a part of my new community, and I miss where I was desperately, but I can see huge benefits to having DH home on weeknights as the kids get older. So I would ask, is this travel temporary? Is it a stepping stone? Can you see yourself handling all the day to day family stuff for the duration? It has to work for the whole family, if not, it probably isn't worth it. Prayers for you as you work out what is best for your family.

    Posted on Dec 6th, 2012 at 12:13 PM by Danielle M.

  • Thanks to all who commented about helping my husband relax. I noticed this morning that, before he left for work, he was looking around online for a 2nd job. He does NOT need a 2nd job; this would just be for "something to do"... so this is really coming to a head & I feel I need to take action soon, as he is actively seeking more to do away from the fam. Please keep us in prayer as I strive to make the home an inviting place where he wants to spend his time with kids + me.

    Posted on Dec 7th, 2012 at 9:17 AM by unknown

  • I try and do the same. I know I make it an inviting place. So jesus help us. We don't know enough traditional homeschooling Catholism. All he does is work work work. And all I do is sit home and run my 9 children like a machine. I have gotten sooo fat. And my mini van is on the brink. I need advice.

    Posted on Dec 7th, 2012 at 5:43 PM by Anonymous

  • And I forgot to mention that I now don't know what to do now that I feel worthless and fat and must shop in the fat women's store. I don't feel sexy any more. He is looking at blendes online. I caught him and told him Jesus is watching you. I am crying as I rite this. I have fat finger now. I need Weight Watchers and something to save my marridge.

    Posted on Dec 7th, 2012 at 5:45 PM by Anonymous