Aging Parents, Menopause & More

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By Rebecca Teti


Weekends: Changing Roles -- the needs of the sandwich generation

(Join each day’s Coffee Talk discussion: Mon: Parenting; Tues: Open Forum; Wed: NFP; Thu: Marriage; Fri: Education; Sat/Sun: Changing Roles)


Our weekend forum is for issues related to "the sandwich generation." Coping with menopause, caring for aging parents, relations with adult children, grandchildren, going back to work after years at home. Want to hash out a difficulty, get some advice or share a strategy?

 

This is the place! Come join the conversation!

Rebecca Teti

Comments

  • Ladies, I have a very important decision to make that will impact myself and my children for a very long time. I need to choose between moving to the Altoona, PA area and the Savannah, GA area. My husband walked out of our lives a few months ago and although we, and many, many friends have been praying for him like crazy, offering masses, holy hours, etc., his heart remains stone and financially (and emotionally) we need to move where my family is there to support us. There are some practical matters in favor and against both locations and sadly one of them is family. My family in PA is very lax about their Catholicism. They look at the church's teachings as just guidelines and none of them, even though they are regulars at Sunday mass, follow some of the most basic Church teachings or participate in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I don't judge them but I have worked hard to teach my children differently. From a distance this has worked out well, I've been able to control their religious influences. In PA that would not be the case and some of our rules (modesty, etc.) would be mocked (in the nicest possible way of course. ;-) ) OTOH, in Savannah we would no nobody except for my parents (who are there part year) and my non-Catholic brother and his wife and her family. This would give me the freedom to make my own associations with like minded Catholics w/o family criticism but we would have less support. Any suggestions or perspectives? I'm so scared to make the wrong decision.

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 8:32 AM by Becky Le

  • Becky, I live in the Altoona-Johnstown Diocese, so I know there are a number of Catholic churches in Altoona. Would it be possible for you to join a different parish than the one your parents belong to? That way you could be near enough to them for support but also have a bit of a boundary when it comes to the Church. I do hope that everything works out for you and your children, praying for the best for you. :)

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 8:49 AM by E

  • I agree with the suggestion to join a different Parish than your parents so you could have support yet autonomy. I've had no end of difficulty undoing negative influences from non-practicing (Catholic) family members. If it helps, my friend tells me, "God writes straight with crooked lines." In other words, don't fear wrong decisions. God will help. Praying for you!

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 9:24 AM by unknown

  • I would choose to be closer to my parents, even if it was for part of the year. Starting new friendships is excting and there is more freedom in GA, where there are fewer family. You are dealing with some difficult issues & you don't need to be mocked (even in the most loving of ways). Mocking in any form is bullying. GA would be my choice. Have you discussed this with your spiritual advisor or confessor? Good luck, we shall pray for you!

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 9:31 AM by MJ

  • Becky, I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you're going through, and I pray that you will get the answers you need.

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 9:35 AM by Claire S

  • What a heavy heart you must have. I can't fathom all that is weighing on you. I would move to where I had the most support but make sure to let my intentions be known right away & discuss your fears/concerns openly with them. Contact the church & arrange to meet with the Priest alone & then with your children. I think that will make you the most comfortable. Since they are regulars at Sunday mass, they too might be open into meeting with the Priest to discuss how best to help you & the young ones thru this incredibly difficult, challenging time. Also, with the mocking---I married into a wonderful Catholic family & we are raising our kids Catholic but my parents & sibling are non-Catholics...it has been mostly a nonissue. We dont sway for our beliefs & they are respectful. I believe some mocking(like calling us "churchy" or smirking at each other when we prayer before dinner) is behind our back but we pray for strength & conviction to our beliefs & it works.

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 10:20 AM by Avk

  • God will point you in the right direction! You will know what to do! God bless you!!

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 10:21 AM by Avk

  • Becky, I would go where you have the most support too. I recently moved to a place with no support, and it is really hard. I would recommend a frank conversation beforehand, like this is what we do and why we do it and we would not expect to be challenged in front of the children, etc. If you family attends Mass, how would your children ever know they don't attend reconciliation? That is more of a private thing. The joining a different parish idea sounds like a really great one too. If the family is otherwise supportive, I would try to be near them, it does help so much when you are alone with a bunch of kids. Don't listen to Jeanne Stark from Tampa, she clearly has issues, yesterday she threatened to expose me to her 500 facebook friends for my heresy. She really has only 28 facebook friends, and I am sure they all know better than to listen to anything she has to say. Prayers for you, moves are hard, but with family, friends and your Church, you can get through.

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 11:08 AM by Danielle M.

  • Becky, have you talked with your family and figured out where you're likely to get the help you need? From the little you say, I don't know where you'd get more help. I've known "cafeteria" Catholics who might make their reservations about modesty standards to the mother, but would drop everything to help her in her time of need. My own parents are daily Mass attending Catholics who expect me to have a dozen children, but have never lifted a finger to help me. They even go so far as to ask me not to call them before 8 AM if I have a baby during the night! I guess what I'm saying is I'd figure out who's going to support me and go there. Your example might even lead your less practicing relatives back.

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 11:56 AM by Alice

  • Becky, obviously you know your family better than us, but based just on what you wrote, I would head for Altoona. If they can offer basic physical support to you in this difficult time, God bless them. Perhaps with the situation you are going through they will not give you a hard time. In fact, it may make you all closer and bring them closer to the church. Besides, your kids can be introduced to the beauty of a good Mallow Cup and visit the Altoona Curve!

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 2:56 PM by Carolyn A

  • I meant Horseshoe Curve, but they could go to a baseball game, too. ;-)

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 2:57 PM by Carolyn A

  • Becky, I am very sorry you have this difficult decision to make. Have you considered the pros and cons of the different climates? Have your children expressed their preferences and reasons for them for each locale? Have you visited each place recently? Just some objective third party thoughts that came to my mind. May God bless your family.

    Posted on Jan 12th, 2013 at 9:23 PM by Christine

  • Thank you all for your advice and support. I'm sorry I missed Jeanne's post, lol! I do love the Altoona Curve and the Horseshoe Curve both! We are headed to Savannah in 2 weeks for my niece's christening and I want to get to PA soonish because there is a house on the market up there I want to look at. I have time since financially everything is up in the air right now and our house in VA needs to be sold. For those of you with experience with the Altoona area, can you tell me a little bit about the Orthodoxy of various parishes? The house I am looking at is in Loretto, not far from the University (a nice comfortable distance from family, lol!). All of my family attends mass in Cresson (SFX) or Gallitzin and those parishes are ok but not inspiring. I did like what I heard at St. Al's in Cresson but I've only been there once. I know there is a TLM a few towns over so that gives me hope!

    Posted on Jan 13th, 2013 at 7:58 AM by Becky Le

  • I almost forgot, someone asked how we know they don't go to confession. It's because they say they "don't believe in confessing to some man". Really. Also their words are very pro-small family, don't let having a bunch of kids hold you back, get on the pill, etc. And there is a lot of speaking down about men in general. (My mom comes from a family of all girls.) It's ironic, or maybe a lesson in humility, that I have tried so hard to avoid all of those things and it is my husband that walked out. Sigh....

    Posted on Jan 13th, 2013 at 8:01 AM by Becky Le

  • Becky, you might be interested in this article: http://www.colleenduggan.net/2013/01/sorry-catholic-parenting-is-not.html It's about parenting, but in some ways it applies to your situation. Living a lifestyle consistent with Catholic values doesn't guarantee immunity from the pain caused by the sins of those closest to us. Sin and temptation are so pervasive that even the most faithful Catholics can succumb to it. When that happens, there will always be those who will pounce on the opportunity to criticize Catholic values. But I'm sure you know in your heart that you did the right thing, and more importantly, God knows that you did the right thing. He didn't promise that this life would be free from pain, but there is joy in your future, particularly in your future in the next life.

    Posted on Jan 13th, 2013 at 9:48 AM by Claire S.

  • Becky, I hope you didn't think I was critical when you mentioned confession. I only was wondering if your kids would pick up on it. Of course, if they said things that were contrary to the way you are raising your children, that would be an obstacle, especially if you are teaching your children to respect these family members. I would try to have a calm conversation prior to your decision to see if in fact they would refrain from saying these things out loud in front of the children, you could tell them it was for the children's sake as they are already going through so much, adding conflict about their lifestyle would only add to their confusion, or whatever would work with your family members. My parents have a lot of issues with the Church and the way we teach our children, but we decided years ago that they wouldn't say anything in front of them, and they have abided by the agreement (mostly). Again, prayers for you as you make this decision. I would encourage you to spend as much time as you can looking at both places, I didn't spend enough time when I moved and was surprised by a lot of things (especially neighborhoods where all of the people seem to vanish during the day, leaving no one to talk to or socialize with).

    Posted on Jan 13th, 2013 at 11:35 AM by Danielle M.

  • Becky- So sorry to hear what you are going through! The only thing that I will add is that there have been many times in my life when I have had to make tough decisions. No matter how many pro/con lists I make or how many times I try to quantify the good and bad, I always end up praying about the decision and then following my heart. Do what feels right and it will be the right decision for your family. Good luck!

    Posted on Jan 13th, 2013 at 10:32 PM by J

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