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So now you're a step-grandparent!
10 tips for building good relationships
When your son or daughter marries someone who has a child, the family adjustment process includes your new role as a step-grandparent. Here are some tips that may help you transition:
1 Realize you’re not alone: According to Stepfamilies.com, up to 33 percent of Americans age 65 or older are step-grandparents.
2 Prepare: Before that first family gathering, take time to assess how you feel about your new role. What are your expectations? Hopes? Fears?
3 Realize you’re unique: As the step-grandparent, your role is not the same as anyone else’s. You will bring your own talents, skills, and emotional input to this new relationship.
4 Communicate: Ask the children’s parents if there are “special touches” that you can bring or send to your new step-grandchildren. And, always treat biological and step-grandkids equally.
5 Set realistic expectations: According to the Stepfamily Association of America, it takes five to seven years for stepfamilies to build a true bond with non-biological children. So, realize that it’s not going to be an instant bond.
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Preparation. Participation. Professional help. And prayer. When Mark and Beth Doonan* talk about their marriage — the second for each of them — those are the themes they return to, time and again. They knew the life, the home they were making wasn’t just for the two of them but for four — count ’em, four — teenagers who would also be a part of that household from day one.
“We did a lot of research on blended families before we got married,” Mark begins.
“And we were engaged for a long time,” Beth adds. “Almost a year and a half.”
Mark, the father of two sons, had been married in 1982 and divorced in 1997. Beth, who has a son and a daughter, was married from the mid-1970s to the mid- 1990s.
“Both Mark and I had been married in the Church,” Beth says, “and we both received annulments.” They both belonged to the same parish, too. And their kids were in the same school there. “I knew Mark and his children because I worked part-time there as a teacher.”
“I knew Beth and I liked her,” Mark recalls. “She was running the New Life group for singles at our parish and I joined the group because she was running it!”
As their relationship grew more serious, they knew any plans for the future included more than choosing rings or deciding on a honeymoon location. More, even, than combining two households. They faced the challenge of blending two sets of children.
“The four children — Mark’s and mine — were 13, 14, 15, and 16 when the two of us got married in 2000,” Beth says. “But long before that, we had Sunday-night dinners together — all six of us — every week. Mark did the cooking and he came up with some recipes the kids really liked. That was about the time ‘The X-Files’ was on TV. So we all watched it and had Sunday night dinner.”
Like “X-Files” FBI agents Scully and Mulder, they took one step at a time as they headed into the unknown.Over time, the four learned they had some common interests.
“Video games!” Mark says. “At least the three boys really liked those. If one discovered a shortcut or how to get some special powers, he couldn’t wait to show the other two. And we did some boating. Everyone liked that. One set of siblings taught the other how to water ski. Later, when we were all ready to take the next step, we tried some vacations together.”
To everyone’s delight, “those were really successful, too,” Beth says. “It wasn’t that the kids hadn’t known each other before. The school they all attended only
* Names changes for privacy
